Born illegitimate in the sixties, I went from a nun’s house to another house of women, who looked after me until I went to live on a farm. On the farm I looked after a litter of runts until the boss took them away to be killed. From then on I played in the nearby woods with make-believe people. When I left school I worked at a trouser-press in a wig of piss, putting creases in old men’s trousers. The boss didn’t like me arriving late because of what happened the night before so I left. Repeat this for the next few jobs I did, which included selling bicycles and driving a fork truck. After a while I gave up and made children instead. This was a happy time. And then I kept falling over so I had a lie down. When I finally got back up, I went and read some books. This again was a happy time. Then I worked as a talker about books. This was happy until it turned out my boss was a machine that couldn’t process naughty words, so once again I left. Regardless, I don’t think I’m difficult. My first book is called Billy and the Devil. It’s about an alcoholic. My second book is called The Gospel According to Johnny Bender, and it’s about lots of things. Both will be out in paperback from Hi Vis Press soon.